Pondering My Life

Deep breath. Everything is going to be ok, but right now it's not ok. I am struggling and feeling like I am in a tug-o-war. As I prepare for the life changing events of moving to another state, leaving behind everything and everyone I've ever known, giving up a lot of control, leaving behind the 2 kids whom I've basically raised, and preparing for the biggest change in my life... I am a nervous wreck. I am sad, scared, upset, excited, worried, happy, all tolled into one. Polygamy is scary. Especially in my shoes. I am not moving in with a man and building my family.. I am moving in with an already established family and building from there. I have never been so insecure about a relationhip before, nor have I ever had to ccompromise so much. It is HARD work. If I didn't love them as much as I do and had I not known them as long as I have, I would have been gone a long time ago. It's beyond the hardship I ever thought it would be. From sex to paint colors to schedules and moral issues.. I mean every single thing has to be reevaluated and new ways set. For me and for them. It is a good thing I have a lot of faith, friends, amd family to support me. I have to keep the end goal in mind, a large well functioning family with support and happiness. Tonight like many nights, I struggle to remember that that is what I want. I have been in tears at the thought of leaving my comfort zone in my own happy spot with nobody to really worry about getting along with. I WANT to move, that is not the issue. I want things to work and I want us all to be happy. I just wish it was easier for me to cut my roots and leave. My family is my everything and that includes Micah and Amy, so there is a division that I hope gets better in time. I think about the day that I leave and I just have this feeling that I will cry for a lot of the time. Just thinking about it now makes me cry. My poor baby nieces. I fought so hard for them but there isn't anything left I can do exvept wait. They don't understand. They feel just as divided as I do. Wanting to be with me and with their mom. It's sad. They have become very difficult for me in these circumstances. They deep down inside want to be with their mom and they don't want to hurt my feelings. I don't blame them. I must let it go and hope for the best. I am rambling on, I guess that's what happens when your heart is heavy and there is nobody to talk to at 11pm. I feelso alone tonight. No children or family around and most are in bed. :/ I will be glad when this nightmare is over. As I prepare to move, I will need all the support in the world. I hope everyone realizes that. It's devastating I need prayers. -Tara