I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight.
I heard a song with that on the radio the other day. It really describes the pain I'm going through with my family. My mom is the most important person in my life (Besides Jesus Christ and the Lord), and yet she hurts me more than anyone. She isn't what a mother should be. She is only 43, and I understand she had me too young, but she has put me through more than I could ever explain. I think I've finally figured out why she favors my brother, and it's because he is just as screwed up as she is, and she feels more human in front of him. That's what my guess is anyway. She thinks I'm unhappy, but really I just feel too much pain to be around them too much. I am nothing like them, I'm a complete black sheep. They get drunk, I don't. They smoke weed, I don't. They take pills, I don't. They aren't religious, I am. I've been saved! I am never going to be like them. I thank God everyday for my life and they don't appreciate theirs. It's really sad what a death can do to a family. My dad died and my entire family fell apart and some went down hill, and some (like myself) decided not to take the easy route.
It was my mom's birthday on Friday, and also her 25 year high school reunion. She went out and I thought it was great. Well last night was the second and last day of the reunion. I asked her when she would be home because I made her a card and bought a cake for her. She wouldn't tell me, so I sat around and when I finally fell asleep she text me and told me to take care of the dogs. So I did. This morning she is SO hungover and can't even make it to breakfast with the family. So I forget the cake and card and leave her be while my brother goes to the store to buy food in order to make breakfast instead. She never once came out of her room. She never said thank you to anyone, nothing. She laid there like a fool. I was so embarrassed and hurt that I have stayed in my room all day. While my brother made breakfast (I refused), I noticed a beer in his hand. I could have fallen to the floor and cried right there. A few years ago, he was in a serious car accident. He had a 1 month old BRAND NEW car. He decided to drink and drive. He scalped himself, broke his neck, and had many other minor problems. He totaled his car, there was blood all over it and was completely smashed. It was devastating for us all. He had to be careaflighted to a ICU hospital. The main story was that he and a friend were at a party drinking, decided to drive (with seatbelts thankfully) and hit a curb and flipped the car over. His friend was friend, but he wasn't. They got out of the car, he put a hat on, and ran off to start drinking away the pain. A lady saw him bleeding everyone and his friends drove him the hospital. It was very serious. To this day my insurance company won't allow him to drive my car. For him to be drinking is really sad, and I can only pray that God watches over him and protects him from the dangerous path he is taking.
Pictures.
Really sad.
On a more positive note! I have been reading the Bible and am absolutely in love with the word. I am so happy to have found the truth. I have also been listening to more Christian music, and also trying to eat a more "Godly" diet. Lol! I bought a book on canning, it's so easy and amazing! I am buying a cookbook from www.cookinggodsway.com and will be making my own bread and everything else I can possibly make homemade. I also have started to crochet, which I absolutely love! Lastly I've been researching homeschooling, and I'm getting more and more excited to have kids. This research and excitement for the future is really the only thing keeping me sane right about now!
I took my nieces to San Diego and Las Vegas, and it was a lot of HARD work, but fun still!! We went the beach, Lego Land, the children's museum, and a few other places I can't remember! It was AMAZING to see them so happy (minus my 1 year old car tantrums which drove me insane)! I love having them around. I love them more than words in fact!
That's a huge update!
xoxo
1 comment:
I know what it is like to have a mother that is like yours! My mom was a drug addict for several years. She was also a sex addict. Between men and drugs my mom got ME hurt allot!
I pray that God will give you the strength to stand up for yourself and if necessary make a new family for yourself. I have a very close friend who is like my sister. Her mother was abusive her whole childhood, in fact still is. She decided that when we are born we may not be able to choose our family, however as adults we have to choose what is right and healthy and create our own families and pray for the biological ones.
I'm praying for you sweet Tara and if you ever need to talk to someone who understands the terror, stress and pain of living in a family ravaged by satan I'm here for you!
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