I feel like screaming!! I am so overwhelmed and I don't even know where to begin. My nieces (ages 23 months and 4) and my two dogs are all bundled up in my room sleeping. I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and having to incorporate two kids into this small place has been a task to say the least. My entire life has flipped upside down in the matter of a month. First, I get a 2nd job. Then, my step-sister goes to jail and I end-up with the kids. Then, she gets out of jail for now, and is about to give birth to my nephew. Her court date for sentencing is May 11th, and she is getting charged with welfare fraud and perjury to welfare. If charged, she can face 5-25 years of prison. I AM TERRIFIED. How am I supposed to take care of an infant, a toddler, and a preschooler, by myself working 2 jobs???? I will do anything and everything I have to, but I am overwhelmed just working 75 hours a week, let alone adding kids to the mix. I don't even know what I will do, but I DO know that The Lord never lets me down, and he will provide, so I will leave it at that.
My hair is slowly getting longer. I want it to be long and beautiful like the Bible describes. I am striving to be a better cook, a better cleaner, a better care taker, and a better person to prepare for having children of my own (obviously not for awhile) and have a husband. I am so looking forward to both, though I am enjoying my single life for now. It's nice to have freedom and not answer to anyone but God. BUT I want companionship and a leader to show me the way, a nice Godly man that will be my head.
I asked my mom if I could move back in after my lease ended so I could save some money and she said yes (what was I thinking?!?) and then my brother asked her if he could move in with his wife and two cats (and she said yes), plus since my uncle is in jail, she is watching his two dogs, plus I have two dogs, so 7 dogs, 4 cats, 2 guineas, and fish? I don't think so. I changed my mind. First off, we just don't get along, so I would rather be broke and happy, than rich and miserable. No thanks! My mom wanted my brother home more than me anyway, I could hear it in her voice. Her "logic" is that I stayed home more than him, but who got married and couldn't afford to take care of his wife? He should have thought that one over. I'm so sick of him. He took fake cocaine and his knees, fingers, lips, etc. turned purple, blue, and black. What an idiot! My family is falling apart. My mom just confessed to me today that after my dad died when I was 11, that she got pregnant by my step-dad's friend and she got an abortion. I'm still in shock. I find abortion to be disgusting, but I don't think any less of her or anything, I'm just shocked, simply shocked. I asked her what she thought about polygny and if I were to be in a plural marriage. And her answer? "I think it's great, we need something new in the family, everyone does the same thing" and "I could care less, I love you no matter what and don't judge you" so I guess that's good, but talk is cheap.
I can't sleep for whatever reason. I guess it's due to the fact that I never get a moment alone anymore, and I have a moment alone right now. So, sorry for the randomness.
I think that's it for now, I guess nothing else has happened in my chaotic life.
I dream of the day when peace and serenity come from having a more stable situation. But I'm no desperate chicka, I will battle my own battle for now.
Goodnight :)
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