The past is the past

So I must get my past in the open because lately I feel like there are SO many things that I don't tell people about myself and it's really driving me nuts to not know what you told one person, but told another. I also think it puts a perspective on who I was, but now who I am. I know these types of stories get judged, but it doesn't bother me to share things, So here it goes!

I was born Jan 28 1989 to a married couple ages 21 and 25 years old. Boy were they poor, with a newborn (me) and a 2 year old (my dear brother). But there was so much love, it never mattered to them. We lived in a trailer in a huge trailer park that is literally the world's biggest trailer park, Sun Valley (look it up!). My grandparents were the ones that always took care of me while my mom and dad were at work. The only times I really ever remember are when we were Jehova's witnesses and we went to the congregation every Tue, Thur, and Saturday to worship, or go door to door, which I absolutely LOVED. My parents later divorced and my dad was never into the religion so we just never went back after that. My parents later re-married until his death. But before that, we moved to a suburban area where I still live to this day, but in a different neighborhood, we sold my other house last year.*I still remember my first Christmas at probably 9 or 10. It was magnificent! There was a tree, music, presents, food, love, happiness, family... so amazing!* At 11 my dad died because he went in to have a valve replaced in his heart, and had to have open heart surgery. A lot of complications occurred (he was 38 when this happened, very healthy guy) and long story short, he died.. right in front of me. I have to say this is the biggest complication in my life. It really screwed things up for me. Really. I was on anti-depressants by 13, and binge-drinking by 16. Something I'm just now telling my mom. My brother is already a serious alcoholic, almost died in a car accident in fact. So I didn't want to scare her even more and acted like an angel. I was atheist at this point, nothing existed. Nothing. My mom cried all damn day long, and did nothing but lay in bed and cry, while my brother and I took care of ourselves. I don't remember one day in my entire life that my mom asked to see my homework, or talk to a teacher. Never ever was she involved. By the time I was 14 she was out from 3p.m. to 7a.m. the next morning. I would wake up in the middle of the night to find her gone, or find her talking on the phone to another guy giggling like a tween. It was traumatic! I hated life. I started such a destructive path, not that there is any evidence of that. I just remember how hard I tried to fit into a place. I became this angry vegetarian pierced black haired scary girl, and I barely graduated high school because I never went to school. It was a serious problem. On my 18th birthday my mom handed me my bills and said that I need to get my car and insurance in my own name, and that she is no longer paying my health insurance, NADA. She met my step-dad by now and he was (and still is) her whole new world. I now have 3 step-sister, none of which I know a thing about (except my beautiful nieces)So within a couple weeks of graduating (which I did, with a 3.0!) I moved to my gradma's and got a job as a nanny for a really terrible family that yelled at me and couldn't pay me.I Moved out from her house within a month to get my first own place with an old friend. I then quit that job got another job as a nanny again and didn't like my roommate much and moved to a house with another friend. That house grossed me out because there were so much bugs and black mold, and within 2 months I moved to another house, which I will forever miss. Well I couldn't afford that house since starting beauty school, and moved back to my mom's house. HERE I AM. I made it through so many moves, adopted two beautiful doggies (not puppies by the way) and made myself happy by doing all these things.

Some things I'm super proud of myself for are:
I don't drink anymore (ok I would have a glass of wine for a wedding or something)
I don't/never have smoke
I never ruined my life and had a baby at 15.
I'm not on anti-depressants, haven't been in years.
My dad's doctors got sued, and I can put myself through college.
I'm going to school, period.
I work, and have amazing work ethic.
I saved two lives by adopting my dogs, something I wasn't ever taught to do.
Yes I still have piercings, but not for any reason other than I want them for now. I have purple in my hair because it's just hair, it's not something sadistic or wrong.

And well, I would have to say I've made it to hell and back and still hold a strong, independent head on these shoulders. Lasy year I decided to start practicing as a LDS lady and it has really helped me gain strength and happiness by showing me how to be this way, not just handing it over. Do you think God would rather give you a way to learn patience, or just give it to you? I can put that towards everything on a daily basis.

We all have struggles, I look back and my past is one big struggle in some way or another. But it's not about the past anymore. It's about the NOW people, it's about what you CAN do, what we NEED to do. Not all the bad, sad, traumatizing things that happen regularly. We all need to keep moving forward, always keep moving forward. Things have to get worse before they can ever get better. Nothing is worth it if there wasn't a struggle or heartache in it. Life can be so beautiful, no matter the circumstances. I'm thankful I was even born. I'm thankful I had 11 years with my dad, even if I can't remember more than a few days. I'm thankful that I have a wise enough brain that tells me what I am worth, what I deserve, and it's nothing little. I do know for a fact that we make our lives as adults the way we want it to. If you want to do drugs, you will. If you want to have kids, you will. If you want to be happy, you will. If you want to die, you will. If you want to go to college, you will. If there is a will, there is a way.

My past is a big part of me, but my present is much more important. There is a song I used to listen to and a verse was "every moment kills a memory" and I think we choose what memories stay or go. I know my future is in my control, so I'm taking that control and running with it!